I'm All For Believeing
by Chelsee6
Summary: Just a short Songfic. Oneshot. CathSara. Femmeslash. Their relationship from beginning to where it ends up. Catherine's POV. Please Read and Reveiw. XX Chez


A/N: Well...I've been gone a while, but I've finally written something worth posting. Just know that I am working on another story that should be finished...hopefully soon, until then there's this. Fresh from the beta, a song fic that is way too long but whatever. I was going to divide it up but decided (because the wonderful Jess said so) that it was ok as a one shot.

Thanks go to, of course, my absoutely brilliant beta Jess who has laughed and joked me through the last seven months (seriously, without her I would have gone insane(r)...or severely depressed...or both.) and of course has actually encouraged me to write something. Thankyou so much, for everything. The horses, the table, and the laughs. (Especially the horse XD)

I'd also like the thank the amazingly talented Missy Higgins who is the artist of the song _I'm all for believing_ which I've used as inspiration for this story. Credit where credit is due.

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Catherine's POV:

Sara is so guarded, I can't help but think something happened to her when she was younger, something that stopped her being able to trust. It hurts that she won't let her guard down around me, though I guess she has more reason not to than anything.

When she first started here I was rude and downright horrible to her, I didn't really mean it, but something about her got under my skin. I think I was jealous. She was beautiful, she was young, she was smart—she was a damn Harvard graduate for Christ's sake. She and Grissom would be here, in reality, and then they would be in their own little world, and I couldn't get there, no matter how hard I tried.

Before she arrived Gil would come to me to talk, we would have dinner together every so often, and he was my confidante as much as Warrick was. When Sara arrived it felt as though I had lost one of my best friends. It didn't help that she was investigating my other best friend, and it certainly didn't help that she argued with me and undermined me. It pissed me off.

_Pull back the shield between us_

But over time I got to know her, I found out she was funny, I mean, I noticed she had a sense of humour the first day I met her. The comment she made about me being confused was proof of that, but I swear, having breakfast out with her and the guys, I have never been so close to liquid coming out my nose as I was then.

I discovered her passionate side. We fought more than once, and I admired the way she would never back down, not unless I came up with a point she would admit was valid. I respected her and she made me laugh.

Slowly I started noticing things about her, the way she smiled when she closed a case, the way her top would ride up when she bent over either at a scene, or looking though the microscope. The way she walked, the sound of her voice, the way her mouth moved when she spoke. I think I realised I was attracted to her when she laughed. She rarely lets out a proper laugh, but when she does…it's—enchanting.

_And I'll kiss you_

After I realised I was attracted her I was scared. I mean, she had never shown me anything other than animosity or bare civility. I pushed her away for too long, the time it took me to come to terms with how I felt.

Eventually I decided to try and make some headway, the strained relationship we had was slowly taking its toll on me. So I started being nice to her, getting her coffee, asking her questions, showing her that I was taking her seriously. I tried invited her out for breakfast a few times, but she always refused.

_Drop your defences and come_

Tonight I went into the locker room and she was slumped onto one of the benches, her head in her hands. I called her name and she looked up, all I could see was a well of pain in her eyes.

"He got off." she mumbled. It took me a moment to work out that a case she had worked had been going to close in court today.

"The jury's back?" I asked, putting my things in my locker. I so desperately wanted to offer her comfort, but I didn't know if it would be welcome.

She nodded, and choked back a sob. In the three years we had worked together I had never ever seen Sara Sidle cry, not even close. I decided, stuff being careful, I don't care if she wants it—she'll get it. I sat down beside her, taking her hand in mine. "Sara, it's not your fault. These things happen." I whispered, pulling her closer to me. And she let me.

_Into my arms _

I guess that's when I started believing that maybe we could be friends, maybe she would let me in as much as she had let the guys in. That night she accepted my invitation to breakfast. I was over the moon. I don't think I've ever been that excited about just breakfast.

_I'm all for believing _

We had breakfast once or twice a week for a month, and things were fantastic. We got along better at work, the guys noticed the change and they were ecstatic about it. They had been trying to get us to get along for years. I really believed we were making head way. Hell, we hadn't yet had an argument, I think that was a record for us.

But then we worked another case together, one about domestic violence, and Sara started getting too involved. I tried to get her to pull her head out, I tried making her see that there was really nothing we could do. Talking to her rationally didn't do any good though, it just got her worked up and frustrated. Irritated that I wasn't fighting back.

Then I did something stupid, I asked her why domestic violence cases affected her more than any other cases. Why she went off the deep end. I said as much before, I thought there was something that made her stop trusting, and I guess I should have joined the dots, domestic violence cases…god, it was so blatantly obvious.

I had attacked her so she attacked right back, and boy did she know where to hit me. Unluckily for her we were still in the middle of the corridor, and Ecklie overheard. Sara got suspended, and it wasn't even her fault. I watched her leaving and she wouldn't even meet my eyes. God, I had fucked up.

_I'm all for believing_

That night I went to her apartment, I knocked but she wouldn't open the door. I resorted to shouting my apology through it. I was about to walk away when the door opened, and Sara let me in.

"I want to fix this" I pleaded. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, and I should definitely not have asked you in the corridor. Please Sara, we were becoming friends."

I know she was out of line as well, but we had start somewhere, and it was clear that I had crossed a line. I still believed we could be friends, but I needed her to try too, otherwise we weren't going anywhere.

_I'm all for believing_

"Why?" that was the first word Sara spoke, and it confused me.

"Why what?"

"Why do you want to fix this? You never seemed bothered that we weren't friends before." I deserved that, but I winced nonetheless.

"That was before I got to know you. I like you Sara, and our friendship means something to me" I pleaded with her. "If it doesn't mean anything to you, tell me and I'll go now, but if it does, then talk to me."

_If you can reveal _

Sara was avoiding my eyes, her body language was telling me she wanted me to go. Her arms were folded, her body was turned to the side. She was obviously uncomfortable. I was just about to give up and leave when she spoke.

She told me everything, about her parents, the foster homes, the time she had spent living on the streets. Her mother killing her father, the trial afterwards where she had had to testify. I could practically hear her mother screaming at her, telling her she was worthless, nothing. Sara finally finished with the fact that her mother had commit suicide while she was in a mental institution just a few months ago.

_Your true colours within_

The whole time she was speaking Sara never once showed emotion. Her voice never hitched, she never paused when remembering something painful, only to help her find the right words. Even when she explained her father's murder in detail, the smell, the feel of the warm blood running down her skin.

Not once did she cry, not once did she deviate from the facts. I could feel tears coursing down my own cheeks, and I wiped them away hurriedly, I didn't want her to see I was affected where she wasn't. But seeing her recount her past, especially a past that traumatic, without even flinching…I was worried about her.

_I know you blanket your mind_

Eventually she turned to look at me, "You know, no one has actually asked me that before. I guess they assumed I was naturally messed up, a weird Sidle quirk. Anger management maybe. Or maybe they just didn't care." she whispered.

I had never seen her looking this vulnerable before, I guess I hadn't been looking closely enough. What is it with our society, or humans in general, that pushes us towards wanting everything to be ok so much so that we turn a blind eye when something is wrong? It's one thing about humanity that makes me sick, and here I have been doing it too. God, I'm a hypocrite.

_So much that I am blind_

"Sara, you know people care, the guys at the lab, Brass, Sofia, Gris. I guess they just didn't know how to ask you. I didn't do a great job of it myself." I reached out for her hand once again.

"At least you asked, it shows you care." Sara whispered.

_But I_

It was the second time I had ever seen Sara cry, and I guess it was when I realised I didn't just find her attractive, I wasn't just attracted to her, I was falling for her. She is so strong, and she's been through so much. To go through all that and become the person that she is a truly magnificent.

_I see you painted your soul_

I held her close to me, it had obviously cost her a lot to tell me what she had. She had built walls around her, and they had taken years, so they were carefully constructed; thick and practically impenetrable.

_Into your guard_

I was all for believing in our friendship, and our friendship after that day really was something. She volunteered to baby-sit for me the nights she was off, to give my sister a break. Lindsey loved her, they would watch movies, Sara would help her with her homework. Sometimes we would do things, all three of us. We would go to the movies, go for a picnic, go for a bike ride. Sara came over to dinner at least once a week, and Lindsey and I often joined her for dinner at her place.

_I'm all for believing_

God, Sara even went and bought a bed from IKEA as a surprise for Lindsey, when she stayed the night. She was amazing. Yet, I found myself wanting more. Sometimes I would make excuses to touch Sara, tell her there was something on her face when there wasn't. Other times I would be so sorely aware that I _couldn't_ touch her that I pushed her away.

_I'm all for believing_

One night I found myself curled up on my sofa, the movie we were watching had just finished, but Sara had fallen asleep in the middle of it. Her head was resting on my lap and she looked absolutely exhausted. She had just pulled a triple so I'm not surprised. I've seen her asleep so may times I've lost count, but I've never seen her so at peace before. Her arm is wrapped around me, so I couldn't move even if I wanted to.

I wonder what she's thinking. There's a goofy smile plastered across her face and she looks happy. She looks contented. I wonder who she's dreaming about—on second thoughts, I don't want to know.

_I need to know just how you feel _

The feeling of Sara lying practically on top of me isn't doing good things for my libido, I can feel her shifting in her sleep, and her hand trails slowly up my leg. She flexed her fingers and they tuck themselves neatly into the waist band of my pants, her nails lightly raking my skin.

I felt a shiver going up my spine as my heart skipped a beat. I've speculated about it often enough before, but yet again I find myself wondering if she's ever been with a woman.

_To convert you_

My mind continues to dance around, going everywhere and no where as I relaxed. I find myself trying to picture what he will look like, the man who eventually captures Sara's heart.

More importantly I wonder what he will _be_ like. What will attract her to him? Will it be his sense of humour? His compassion? His dedication? I know I never thought Hank was right for her, but he did have an easy sort of charm about him, and I think that Sara will fall for someone in a similar line of work. Someone who helps people, kinda like she does.

I mean, she doesn't have very good social skills, so that ruled her out of helping the living, that's not her fault though, it's her parents'. But she does what she can, she helps those who can't help themselves, she helps the dead.

I don't want to think about this anymore, it's too depressing.

_I need to find the key to let me in_

I felt her stir and turned my eyes back to her, brushing a lock of her hair out of her face and she blinked her eyes open. She offered me a tired smile before it dropped as she sat up, looking concerned.

"Catherine, what's wrong?" she asked.

"Huh?" I'm confused, there's nothing wrong, why is she asking me that. Sara leant forward and brushed her thumb across my cheek, it was then I realised I was crying.

_Into your heart_

"Nothing." I replied, lying through my teeth.

"Don't lie, please Catherine. You've been…sad lately. And you won't let me help. Don't think I haven't noticed you pushing me away. Please, just tell me what's wrong."

"It's nothing, honestly. I'm just tired, work has been wearing me out." I whispered, not meeting her eyes, afraid that she will see the truth if she looks into them.

_To find your soul_

"Cath, please, look at me." Sara whispered, tipping my chin up with her finger. There was nothing I could do. I saw her studying me like she would the evidence at a scene. Categorically coming up with theory after theory and then looking for evidence to disprove it. Like they say, you can never prove a hypothesis, only disprove it.

I saw her eyes widen as she realised what was wrong, and her hand dropped. I broke our gaze, releasing the breath. I guess I had always known that I wouldn't be able to keep it a secret for ever.

"I'm sorry Sara." I whispered, "You don't need this."

"Need what?" she asked quietly, so she's going to play dumb is she? Well I'm sick of hiding this, I am not going to pretend anymore, I am so fucking tired of it.

"Need me, being an emotional mess, complicating things…I…you have no idea do you? No idea how amazing you are…I just, I can't help it."

_Pull back the shield between us_

"Amazing?" her voice is soft, and it sounds teasing…I can't believe her. "Really, so what word would you use to describe yourself?"

I swear I felt my heart stop as I felt her whisper that in my ear. Oh God.

"And really, I don't see any complication. I don't see Lindsey having a problem with me, and I'm sure the guys will get used to this."

I am dreaming, I know I am.

That thought was pushed out of my mind as I felt her lips brush across mine in a chaste kiss. God, I think I'm going to melt into a puddle right here.

_And I'll kiss you_

Once my mind had processed exactly what was happening I lent forward, pressing my lips against Sara's. My arm's wrapped around her neck and I pulled her flush up against me as I lay back along the sofa. Her arms wrapped around my body as she kissed me back. Her tongue flicking across my lips, then coming inside my mouth and sliding alongside my tongue. Oh boy, can she kiss.

_Drop your defences and come_

Somehow we made it from the lounge to my bedroom. I found myself completely naked and writhing underneath her as her hands slid across my body, followed by her mouth. Her fingers played with me, and her tongue copied. Eventually I felt her fingers curl up inside me as my muscles clenched. I guess that answers my question, she's definitely been with a woman before.

_Into my arms_

I woke the next morning to find Sara lying next to me, already awake, the most beautiful smile across her face. In that moment I knew this was going to work, I would make this work. I love her, and I am going to spent the rest of my live proving it to her. Starting now.

I teased her, I tortured her, and I had her begging for release. I tell you, that is the headiest feeling I've had in a long time. Sara Sidle, the woman who's always in control, who never apologises, lying naked beneath me, begging me to touch her.

_I'm all for believing_

After that night everything was amazing. Sara was amazing. We went out on dates, and more picnics, she held my hand and bought me chocolates and flowers. And damn, the way she kissed me, it made butterflies magically appear in my stomach and start multiplying, fluttering around. It made my knees go weak and reduced my speech capacity for several minutes.

The goofy smile Sara would give me when I kissed her, as she studied my face, made me feel like I could take on the world and win. And when she whispered, "I can't believe I got so lucky." I know I could have died happy.

_If you can reveal the true colours within_

But as is life, it wasn't always chocolates and roses. Work was hard on both of us, we agreed early on that our relationship would not affect things in the lab, so there were no hugs, no touches, nothing while we were at work.

I guess that affected me more than I realised, Sara was like a drug, and outside of work I had grown used to having her there to help when things went wrong. When I had a fight with Nancy, or Lindsey, when the plumber told me I needed a full copper re-pipe. Financial problems, the works, Sara was there for me.

So when I had a hard case at work, I found myself looking to Sara for support, only she wasn't there.

_And say you will be there for me to hold_

It was her night off, so she was at home. I left work ten minutes early, knowing I needed her, I needed to be with her, I needed her arms around me as I cried.

With her holding me I recounted what had happened. Five teenage girls had been snatched off the street, the youngest was fourteen. They had been tortured and held captive for days, raped and beaten, eventually they were beaten to death. Sometimes I hate being human, how can one person do that to another? It's just beyond comprehension.

_When faith turns old_

Standing in the morgue I had seen the bodies of the five girls, laid out beside each other, too many things in common for girls who had never known each other. They were all of similar physical appearance, all young, and they had all been killed by the same man.

The sight of them had sent a chill up my spine, and it wasn't the temperature.

_And life turns cold_

The worst bit? The fact that no one even reported them missing. No one cared enough to notice they were gone, that they might be in trouble. That really eats at me. I mean, I remember when I was a dancer, before I met Eddie, I had a few friends, but would any of them have even noticed if I had disappeared? That could have been me. I could have ended up on those slabs. God, it makes me sick.

_When faith turns old_

I can feel myself shivering, it's the middle of winter and Sara and I have just been lying on top of her bed, not even bothering with the duvet. Sara notices I'm cold and she helps me stand. She holds me while she removes my clothes and pushes me under the shower, gradually warming it up. I feel the water cutting through the cold, making me feel remotely human again.

When I am warm again Sara dresses me, pulling out some clothes of mine that I keep here. I don't know why I bother, I can always borrow Sara's clothes. Right now though, I'm glad for the comfort familiarity brings.

_And life turns cold_

We're both under the blanket now, and Sara has wrapped me in her arms. Here I feel safe, warm, loved. I never ever want to leave. I leant over, pressing a kiss into Sara's lips. "I love you." I whispered. The first time I have uttered those words, and they have never been so true as they are now.

_So if you're cold I will stay_

"I love you Cat." Sara whispered back, pulling me closer and leaning in to kiss my forehead. "Are you warm enough?" her concern is touching and I find myself smiling in spite of everything.

"Yes…will you just…hold me?" I begged, I need to know that there's some good in the world right now, otherwise I will go mad.

"Always." Sara whispered back, and I knew it was a promise.

_Maybe fate will guide the way_

We'd been together for four months when Sara broached the subject of the guys, I guess I hadn't really thought about telling them in any great detail. I knew we would tell them when the time was right, but with Sara being such a private person I hadn't thought it would be so soon.

Of course, I agreed with her, they deserved to know, so two days later we were sitting in the usual diner, waiting on Grissom. We had had to work hard to get them all here today, I know Warrick wanted to get back to Tina, but I had managed to convince him to come.

When Grissom arrived everyone ordered their food. Sara and I had agreed to wait until they had started eating. To my surprise Sara was the one who first broached the subject. "I know you guys are suspicious…I mean, how often do we insist you come to breakfast, so let me just say, yes you were right. We did have an ulterior motive." she glanced at me, the smile I knew so well plastered on her face. It said clear as day, _I love you_.

_I believe in what I see_

"Sara and I have an announcement to make." I declared, reaching for her hand under the table.

The guys were looking at us, mildly interested. They have no clue.

Sara pulled my hand up with hers, above the table so the guys could see our interlaced fingers. "I don't know if you guessed, I mean…you're trained investigators, I know that…but we were careful. The thing is…"

"We're seeing each other." I finished her sentence, giving her my own _I love you_ smile.

"No way." Greg was the first to vocalise anything as Nick and Warrick were too busy choking on their breakfast.

"How long?" Nick rasped when he had managed to swallow his mouthful.

"Four months." I declared, beaming.

Grissom raised his eyebrow a Sara, "Four months and you're already telling us?" he asked her softly, I guess he had the same thought I did. "Well, you must be happy."

"We are." Sara assured him, beaming.

_And baby we were meant to be_

"Then I'm happy for you. Congratulations." trust Grissom to say exactly the right thing.

"Yeah…me too." Nick said slowly, "I guess it just came a shock."

"You know, actually, now that I'm thinking about it…you two were made for each other." Warrick reaction surprises me, but it means more than anything. "Seriously, you two are obviously good for each other, and you are so similar, but so different. Made for each other." he gave me a delighted smile. "Congratulations."

"No way." Greg spluttered, still having trouble coming to terms with it. "Damn…that's hot." only Greg would say that.

_Baby we were meant to be_

"Baby" Sara's voice cuts through my thoughts. I was remembering exactly how we got here, and how absolutely perfect things were now. We were sitting at a secluded table in the balcony of the new Italian restaurant, opened just last month. From where I'm sitting I can see the sun setting, the pink sky behind the trees, and the dark murky waters of Lake Mead below the tree line. "You know, we're made for each other." Sara whispered.

"I know." I whispered, smiling happily at the memory of Warrick saying it when we had told him, what I had been thinking about just a minute ago.

"Well, I want to spend the rest of my life with the person I was made for, will you marry me?"

_Baby we were meant to be_

Here we stand, in front of our family and friends, people who are as good as family, exchanging a promise of never ending love. I never ever thought I would end up with a happily ever after, especially not with Sara Sidle, but we were meant to be. And I'm all for believing in happy endings. I love Sara, with all my heart, and I know she loves me, and Lindsey. This is how it's meant to be.

_Trust in me._

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Reviews would be much appreicaited and would probably inspire me to post something else sooner rather than later. (I hope) Maybe they'll even keep the nasty writers block at bay that's been killing me since September and I can write something else. I've said it before, I'll say it again, your lovely words my dear people are my oxygen. And yes, I'm shamelessly fishing. XD.


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